There are days when he takes long naps. When the kids and I get all (or even almost all) the school done I had in mind for the day. When he eats well. When he smiles every time our eyes lock. When I'm able to throw together something for dinner or have the foresight to set dinner out to thaw in the morning. When there is enough time to play a game with my kids or put him in the stroller so I can pull a few weeds. There are days when I feel rested. When he gives me his first giggle one day and his first belly laugh the next. When I feel confident in my ability to juggle four kids, appointments, school and life in general. When I feel as if we have reached the other side and are settled in our (temporary) new life and routine.
But often, I have a different kind of day.
There are days when his naps are 20 minutes long. When I feel as if I'm neglecting my kids' studies and barely have enough energy to oversee the daily goings on. When he doesn't eat well and I wonder if he'll ever not need to be tube fed. When the kids turn up their noses because dinner is a mishmash of leftovers that do not compliment each other well. When I feel like I haven't spent quality, one on one time with my children even though I'm with them all day, every day. When I am under the weather with colds and/or the flu (I've had both) or feel exhausted even though Jamey took the night shift. When I wonder if I'll ever be able to keep up with everything and feel like life is manageable again. When I allow myself to imagine what it would/will be like to send him home to his family whether I think they're ready or not. When I just want to cry because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing but it's so hard.
These are the days that will at some point, probably in the not-so-distant-future, fade quietly from my memory. Likely, the ones that will stick will be the happy ones, like the images caught on camera that will end up in a photo book that I'll allow myself to peruse now and again. But for now, these days are real and raw, sharp images and feelings that overwhelm.
Regardless of the day, Lord, help me to remember that it is a day that You have made. Let me rejoice and be glad in it...no matter what it looks or feels like.