Wednesday, April 6, 2016

There are days...

There are days when he takes long naps. When the kids and I get all (or even almost all) the school done I had in mind for the day.  When he eats well. When he smiles every time our eyes lock.  When I'm able to throw together something for dinner or have the foresight to set dinner out to thaw in the morning.  When there is enough time to play a game with my kids or put him in the stroller so I can pull a few weeds.  There are days when I feel rested.  When he gives me his first giggle one day and his first belly laugh the next.  When I feel confident in my ability to juggle four kids, appointments, school and life in general.  When I feel as if we have reached the other side and are settled in our (temporary) new life and routine.

But often, I have a different kind of day.

There are days when his naps are 20 minutes long.  When I feel as if I'm neglecting my kids' studies and barely have enough energy to oversee the daily goings on.  When he doesn't eat well and I wonder if he'll ever not need to be tube fed.  When the kids turn up their noses because dinner is a mishmash of leftovers that do not compliment each other well.  When I feel like I haven't spent quality, one on one time with my children even though I'm with them all day, every day.  When I am under the weather with colds and/or the flu (I've had both) or feel exhausted even though Jamey took the night shift.  When I wonder if I'll ever be able to keep up with everything and feel like life is manageable again.  When I allow myself to imagine what it would/will be like to send him home to his family whether I think they're ready or not.  When I just want to cry because I know I'm where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing but it's so hard.

These are the days that will at some point, probably in the not-so-distant-future, fade quietly from my memory. Likely, the ones that will stick will be the happy ones, like the images caught on camera that will end up in a photo book that I'll allow myself to peruse now and again.  But for now, these days are real and raw, sharp images and feelings that overwhelm.

Regardless of the day, Lord, help me to remember that it is a day that You have made.  Let me rejoice and be glad in matter what it looks or feels like.

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  1. You are blessing this little guy with an amazing start! He seems so happy!

  2. Your children will be fine. :) You are teaching them what God has told us to do. Care for the orphans(tho not technically an orphan his parents couldn't care for him). You are teaching them perseverance, you are teaching them that they are blessed and those blessings need to be shared. And the school you miss, or the meals that are not amazing...those won't be remembered in the future by your children. Your love, your dedication, your lets just say awesomeness....they will remember that. You are in my prayers today. Chill, rest, remember children learn to be amazing people thru example, the learn everyday even if by accident when there isn't even a book open. God is seeing what you are doing and He is pleased.

  3. I applaud you! I am 51 and I am tube fed and I understand the effort it takes me to care for myself, I can imagine the exhaustion you must have. I believe God placed you in this little one's life, you may feel over whelmed at times, however God will see you through it. Your children are learning a very valuable lesson, one not taught in school curriculum, one that can only be taught when we do what God calls us to do his will.

  4. When your children are grown, each one of them is going to say, "My mom was amazing." Kathy, above, said you are blessing this little guy . . . I say you are a blessing.

    1. Tears. Thank you, Mama Pea (and everyone else), for all the encouragement. xo

  5. Hang in there...and just know that *LIFE* is happening to its fullest within your home...your kids are not suffering in the least. Big Hugs!! Camille P.S. I think I am currently wearing the very same dress you are wearing in that last shot....GAP?

  6. You are doing a great job, and you're teaching your children an amazing lesson in giving. Blessings from Missouri.

  7. Thank you for the reminder that I needed - rejoice in all things. We are at the opposite end dealing with two deaths in immediate family in less than two weeks. Remember, children are resilient and this is a short"season of time" - may you feel love & strength from our Heavenly Father.

  8. Be at peace, sister. God had shown be the beginnings of the fruit of this kind of service in my oldest children and the taste is so, so sweet!

  9. dear Jane, dear sister, I am so glad you are responding to God's call and giving of yourself in this way. My heart breaks for the children who need foster care, but I am hopeful when I think of people like you who give it. I pray for you!

  10. Not an easy job to do day in and day out. But it is a great job. My daughter has fostered for nearly 15 years. By fact she has just recently adopted five children, all under age 11 years. I get what you are saying and feeling. Totally understand. God will help you through.


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