A Note to Young Parents About Video Games

This is a post for young parents who have yet to decide whether video games/gaming will be a part of their home and children's lives.  For some, the idea of it being a choice at all may be surprising because, just like TV, it's become something that is assumed and the fact that it can be decided upon is often forgotten.

We don't have any gaming systems (hand held or otherwise).  This was and is a deliberate choice on our part. While I am not attempting to tell you what to do, I did want to put out there some honest thoughts about the pros and cons we've encountered because of our decision.

This is one of those decisions that makes you unpopular as a parent some of the time.  While it occasionally stings, we often remind ourselves that it can also be an indication that we're doing our job.  Almost all of our friends' families have video games and it is sometimes hard to explain why we've chosen otherwise.  Those families are dear to us and those parents are excellent ones.  There is no finding fault- and that is made very clear to our kids.  Instead, we talk about how each parent or set of parents are responsible for making the choices that they think are best.  We already do some things that are pretty different from other families we know, so our kids have heard this talk many times.  Sometimes, they finish our sentences for us, roll their eyes a bit and accept it.  They don't have to like it or always understand it.

While homeschooling does prevent them from hearing the latest discussion about the newest and best games and systems on a daily basis, our kids do spend time with kids who have video games.  If our kids are at someone else's house and they want to play video games, we have two rules.  The first is that they are not to play violent games (no shooting and killing people) and, two, that it shouldn't comprise their entire time together. This is a rule between us and our kids.  We don't put the responsibility to uphold it on their friends' parents.  It's up to our kids to stick to these guidelines with their friends and we've told them they can always use us as an excuse if they're feeling otherwise saying, "My parents don't want me playing this kind of game," instead of, "I don't want to play this."  We know they don't and won't always obey us so we do check in with them and ask.  We don't punish if they haven't stuck to the rules, but we do give a little mini-lecture on the reasons for the rules and encourage them to follow them next time.  This keeps the lines of communication open instead of encouraging lying for fear of a consequence. 

A reality is that our kids sometimes feel left out.  They don't know what their friends are talking about when gaming conversations arise. They might not know how to play a certain game or even if they do, they likely won't be nearly as good at it as the other kids.  This leads to other kids sometimes not wanting to play with them or have them on their "team".  This is tough but helping them focus on all the things they do know how to do that will serve them well in life sometimes helps.  Sometimes it doesn't and it's just hard.  We encourage our kids to ask their friends if they would like to play/do something else- sometimes this works and other times it doesn't. 

So, what do our kids do? They do other things.  They play with each other- board games, pretend, outside. They play by themselves- reading, swinging, drawing, riding bikes, playing with the animals, drawing, sewing, etc..  They do chores.  They do school.  They do get some screen time watching carefully chosen movies and shows (we deliberately don't have TV reception or cable) but these shows/movies have a clear ending point- we find that doling out screen time is easy this way.

Being different can be hard but it also can give kids courage to be their own person.  One day, they might have a different idea than those around them.  We want them to have the courage to follow their own values and convictions.  Right now they're following ours, but it's still practice.

There are families that are able to make video games work- screen time limits are set and adhered to. Games are researched and approved or denied.  Time is balanced.  It can be done and I'm sure some of you reading this are those parents.  I applaud your skills and energy!

In spite of this, Jamey and I have never heard another parent talk about video games in a positive light. Usually we hear parents express frustration with the choices of games their kids want to buy or play. We hear frustrations about getting their kids to adhere to their screen time limits.  We also hear concerns that gaming is taking the place of actual interactions and relationships between kids and their friends and kids and the rest of the family.

We do not regret our decision.  It's been years since our kids have asked to have video games.  The asking stops.  The understanding begins.  There are endless opportunities for discussion.  And it still stings sometimes.

But, as the parent, the choice is always yours.  Don't believe otherwise.

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Entering a New Era

We're entering a new era of parenting- the pre-teen era.  How does one characterize this era?  In all the ways you can probably imagine.  Our oldest is almost 11 and while I knew that all the aspects of this age would take some finesse there is one element I wasn't expecting.

During this stage begins a desire to do something worthwhile.  More often than not, it's expressed as "I'm bored," but when pressed on what this means, what comes out is that childish games and ways of play aren't cutting it as much anymore and a pre-pre-pre-adult desire to be productive is taking shape.

The challenge is that at this age there are many things a pre-teen can't do.  They can't go out and get a job. Even volunteering can be tricky unless a parent can go along. What we don't want to do is ignore this God-given desire to be useful, to have purpose, and to contribute to the world around them.  This is a good thing. Helping this desire grow seems pretty important and we want to be attentive to it.

If we lived on a full, working farm, he would have chores out the wazoo, but our little farmette's chores mid-winter are minimal.

So.  What is he doing?  In addition to normal, everyday, family chores (trash, recycling, pouring water at meal times, clearing plates, vacuuming, splitting kindling for the wood stove, etc) we've taught our pre-teen to take over the job of helping our neighbors who need assistance bring in their firewood. Since he can't manage a full wheel-barrow load yet, he makes half-full trips, stacking it by their basement window. Once in place, he knocks on their door then hands piece by piece down through the basement window into their basement (where their wood stove is).  Depending on how much they need, this can take him an hour or more once or twice a week (depending on the weather).

For now, this has added a little bulk (and a lot of purpose) to his week. We continue to look for ways through church and his mentor relationship for him to lend a hand, to contribute.  We all have purpose.  We all have God-given gifts just waiting to be tapped into.  Our hope is that we'll give our pre-teens enough opportunities to discover their gifts and kindle their desire to use their time in purposeful and helpful ways- giving of themselves at the right dose and frequency for their age.  We want them to look outward during a time when it's natural to gravitate toward always looking in.

For me, parenting is an ever-changing, ever-challenging dance between reigning in and letting go and, therefore, it's exhausting (in an exciting, rewarding, humbling, terrifying, and sometimes maddening kind of way).

I covet your ideas and suggestions.  What has worked for your family as you try to find purposeful ways for your pre-teens and teenagers to interact with the world (in or outside of the home)?  What experiences did you have growing up that allowed you to feel useful and a contributing part of society during this particular stage of life?

What a stage of life it is. Pin It

*I* See

Maybe once upon a time you worked outside the home.  You completed tasks on time, closed cases and filed away finished projects neatly.  You conversed with adults about grown-up things.  And had performance reviews where you were praised for a job well done.  Maybe clients sent thank you notes (or even a plant once) or told you how much they appreciated you.  And you were paid for your services.  Maybe even sometimes you were rewarded with a bonus for handling that extra tough project in a commendable way.  You'd leave the office each day with a sense of accomplishment.  It was tough work, but you completed it and you did it well.

Maybe now you're a stay at home mom.  There aren't so many deadlines anymore.  Instead there are never-ending lines of laundry, dishes, school work, bottoms to wipe, noses to swipe, breakfasts to fix, lunches to make.  You converse with little people about little-people things.  There are no performance reviews because no one really sees what you do all day except these little people and they don't even know how to write yet.  Their reward system is a little willy-nilly.  One minute you're rewarded with sweet kisses and hugs and the next minute tantrums on the floor or meltdowns in Target.  You fall in bed every night thinking of what didn't get done.  It's tough work and it's never ending and sometimes it feels as if no one notices.

Sometimes we look for affirmation from our mates because surely they will notice our hard work.  Sometimes they do...but sometimes they don't.  Well then.  Our families and friends should see all that we're doing and give us a little pat on the back now and then because, goodness, look at all the energy and patience it takes to do what we do.  But they are rightfully busy with their own lives and often they don't seem to see either.  Well then.  Society should speak up and acknowledge our service- devoting our lives to rearing kind, concerned, law-abiding citizens.  Funny, I know.  They don't either.

This is sometimes a very lonely, seemingly unappreciated place to be.

But, I am here to tell you something very important, dear friends.

Our heavenly Father, The Lord God Almighty Himself,  sees.  

Oh, yes He does.  And He says...

"*I* saw you force yourself out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to feed your baby even though you were bone tired.

*I* saw you get up and get breakfast for your children even though you wanted nothing more than to stay under those covers and sleep the morning away because you didn't feel well.

*I* saw you as you calmly cleaned up one more spill, one more over-turned bowl, assuring your little person that it was a mistake as you consoled their whimpers.

*I* saw you as you wept, hidden in the laundry room because you didn't want to yell or spank out of anger.

*I* saw you as you read book after book to your toddler as you fought waves of nausea from "morning" sickness that lasts into the afternoon and evening.

*I* saw you as you lead your children in prayer before mealtime even though everyone was hungry and just wanted to eat...an hour ago.

*I* saw you when you kept your tone of voice in check and taught your child the proper way instead of only scolding.

*I* saw you as you held your tongue even though you wanted to give your child a tongue lashing in response to their disrespect.

*I* saw you when you felt alone today in the midst of a loud and busy household.

*I* saw the shoes you tied, the tears you wiped, the dishes you washed, the toilets you scrubbed, the messed sheets you changed, and the thousandth picture you colored alongside your little one.

*I* saw the hugs you gave, the kind words of encouragement you shared, the reassuring glances, and the healthy meals you prepared.

*I* saw as, through tears, you asked for your children's forgiveness.  Again.

*I* saw the mistakes, the regret, the times you fell short, and the moments of weakness.  In spite of all that,  I still love you and offer forgiveness every single time you ask.

*I* saw the love, the dedication, the hard, exhausting, draining and often unappreciated work you did.


*I* saw and *I* see.  Every day."

   "You have searched me, LORD, and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me." Psalm 139:1-5

"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!' "Matthew 25:40

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The LORD doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7

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Oh, the irony.

So my post on Monday might have made it appear as if everything here is serene and lovely with children obediently doing their school work and playing nicely.  It's like that sometimes but then there are the moments I didn't photograph.

Let me just tell you that we are like any other family.  We have issues.  Lately it's been about obeying.  We say, "Please stay out of other people's things."  They somehow hear, "Get into, use and ruin whatever you please no matter whose it is."   Funny how that happens.

It's no longer about the offense itself, although it drives us batty to have our things gone through, lost and often ruined.  It has become all about the disobedience.  The repetitive disobedience makes me so frustrated, so upset, sad and angry.  I rack my brain trying to think of consequences that will be meaningful to them, ones that will deter this ridiculous behavior, but often it has been in vain.  They do it again.  And again.

Now, before you feel sorry for my children, let me assure you that I am not being unreasonable here.  Their behavior is unacceptable and they know it.  And, if you think I am not being patient enough, let me assure that I can be patient and I have been patient.  I've also yelled and cried (just so you have the whole story).

While all that seems problematic enough, the real issue for me lies in the forgiveness and grace department.  It is so easy for me to hold on to my frustration and anger even after they've apologized.  On the outside, I may appear back to normal, but on the inside I'm still furious with those little buggers.

And so, I complain to God about it.  He knows all about me, so He's never surprised by what I bring to Him.  In my mind, though, I imagine Him thinking, "Here she comes again.  Can you believe this one?  This woman who thinks *she* has it so bad?  The one who ignores *my* directions?  The one who says she's sorry over and over but keeps coming back giving me the same old line?  She's complaining to *me* about *her* kids?  Oh, the irony."

Instead, this almighty, immortal, all loving, gracious, forgiving God says, "I forgive you and I love you and I will remember your sin no more."

Are you kidding me?  Who is this God I worship?

Well, He's God, that's who.  He's not one of us.  He doesn't make mistakes.  He knows what He's doing even when we don't understand it.  Even when we don't like it.  Even when we think it should be done another way.  Even when we would prefer to believe in a god who acts differently.

If we believe in the God who created the world with all it's creatures and bounty, knit our amazing bodies together (have you ever studied anatomy?), gave up His Child to torture and death, and has the supernatural ability to forgive us when we mess up over and over and over, then let's let Him be God.  Let's let Him carry on with his almighty plan and His mysterious ways and let us trust Him and believe Him when He says we should forgive because, Lord have mercy, He forgives us.

And we are called to forgive others.

And boy, do I want to do want He wants me to do.  I whole-heartedly do.  So, I blink back the tears, I swallow the frustration, I say a prayer as if my life depended on it (and it does), dole out a reasonable consequence, and do my very best to forgive my children.  I choose to love them and allow them to start over with a clean slate even though it hurts like the dickens.

Because that's what He does for me.

(The most important things we need to know about forgiveness, from the Expert.) Pin It

Tooth Tale Number One

At one of Sam's well check-ups when he was a toddler, the pediatrician noticed some white lines at the base of a few of his teeth.  Not sure what they were, he recommended we take him to a pediatric dentist to get them checked out.  He gave us the name of one and sent us on our way.

Being a good and obedient parent, I made the appointment and we met with the dentist.  Thankfully, there were no dental chairs or x-rays involved.  Sam got to sit on my lap while the dentist peered into his mouth.  We were assured that the markings were harmless.  They were caused by breast milk sitting in the gums along the teeth back when he nursed during the night.  These white lines were more visible now that his teeth were growing out, but would disappear over time.  They did disappear and overall, we were very happy with our visit.

But, you know how it goes.  Once you go to a dentist, they have this uncanny way of making you come back every six months.  Sam was our first child and, to be honest, we were a bit over zealous like most new parents are.  We wanted to do everything right. So, I took him back again and again.  Problem was, Sam hated going to the dentist.  It was a miracle if we could get him to sit in the chair and open his mouth at all.  All more the reason to keep taking him back, I thought.  We'll let him get used to it over time.

One visit, he allowed them to clean two teeth.  The next visit, only the top ones.  I must say this dental group was very patient with us.  Fast forward to his visit when he had just turned 5 years old.  Sam conceded to let them take x rays this visit and with a worried and serious expression, the dentist told me that he had six (6!) cavities that needed immediate attention and that he would have to be anesthetized for the procedure since he exhibited so much anxiety during exams.

I could not believe my ears.  Being a good and obedient parent, I scheduled the procedure for a week and a half later and left that office in a daze.  I cried on the way home.  Not so much because of the cavities- I knew we had been doing a very good job of keeping his teeth clean- but because of this idea that he would have to be put under.  I did not like the thought of that one bit.

Jamey and I talked it over and decided it all seemed over the top, so we took Sam to our dentist to get a second opinion.  Our dentist got the records from the pediatric dentist and took his own x-rays.  His diagnosis was a bit different.  He said, "I see nothing wrong.  There is no need to do anything.  Bring him back in a year, I'll take new x-rays and we'll go from there."

Is your jaw on the floor like mine was?

Needless to say, we canceled our appointment with the other dentist and told them why.  A year later, we brought Sam back to our dentist who confirmed that everything still looked fine.  Sam is almost 8 years old and has had no cavities to speak of and has no problem going to the dentist.

Lesson Learned: If you tend toward the good/obedient spectrum of parenting, remember to trust your gut.  Oh, and it never hurts to get a second opinion.

Next week, I'll share tooth tale number two.  Yes, our home has been blessed with two tooth tales.  So far. Pin It

A Parenting Lesson From the 5th Grade

Back in the 5th grade, I was very quiet, shy, and a bit awkward.  I have always been somewhat of a people pleaser and this was certainly the case in 5th grade as well.

I attended a very good public school.  My teacher's name was Mr. Card*.  He was a great teacher and I thought a lot of him.  He was a snappy dresser and my first male teacher.  He taught us the Bunny Hop, the Stroll and the Twist, among other dances on Friday afternoons.  With music.  We all thought this was so cool because of course, it was.

He didn't take nonsense in his classroom.  Even with a class as large as thirty-something, he was always in control.  Sometimes, to gain that control, he would raise his voice.  He had other tactics to keep students in line as well.  For example, if someone fell asleep during class or had their head down on their desk, Mr. Card would slide an eraser along the chalk tray to get it full of dust and then thrown it on the desk right in front of the drowsing student, covering them with chalk dust (he had impeccable aim).  Today, I'm not so sure how I feel about this tactic.  As a (homeschool) teacher now myself, part of me thinks this was ingenious.  At the same time, it had to be incredibly humiliating for the poor student who, for whatever reason, was too tried to pay attention.  At the time, it was what it was and I don't remember feeling strongly about it one way or another- other than glad it wasn't me getting covered in chalk dust.

I sat in the very front row.  The front of my desk was only a foot and a half or so away from the chalkboard because the class was so full of students and desks.  One day, as we were asked to pass our papers front, a fellow student started acting up.  It wasn't the first time that day that this particular student was having trouble and Mr. Card, who was standing directly in front of my desk,  had had it.  He was yelling (not screaming, but definitely raising his voice) as I tried to get his attention and hand him the stack of papers that had been passed up to me.

I was doing as I was told.  I was being a good little student and wanted to please an upset teacher.  I was not expecting what happened next, but shouldn't have been surprised.  My timing was poor and my overwhelmed teacher yelled at me.

I can't remember what he said exactly.  The gist was that I needed to wait.  I started to cry.  I had never been yelled at by a teacher before.  It broke my heart.  I was embarrassed and wished I could disappear under my desk and go home to my mom.  My relationship with Mr. Card and how I perceived him had been changed forever.

Is this how my relationship with my children is affected when I raise my voice at them?  Granted, we have more of a history than Mr. Card and I had.  I knew that my parents loved me when they raised their voices at me, but my memories of those raised-voice exchanges between my parents and I happened mostly when I was a teenager, when I knew I deserved the raised voices.

What I'm thinking about are my young children.  They look up to me.  They think a lot of me.  When I yell at them, do they understand that they "deserve" the raised voice?  Or are they just embarrassed, broken-hearted, wishing they could shrink away.  Do they sense a change in how they perceive our relationship?

There are (many) occasions when children need re-direction and teaching and reminding.  How we do it is up to us as parents.  For some reason, several months ago, I began thinking about my altercation with my 5th grade teacher and I began to see some parallels in my parenting.  It stopped me in my tracks.  Why in the world hadn't I thought of things in this light before?  Was it because I was too wrapped up in how frustrated and upset *I* was in the heat of the moment instead of how the little person (half my size or less) on the receiving end experienced the whole exchange?

Man, I can be self-centered.

Repentance was in order.  I needed to ask both God and my children for forgiveness.  And, like I tell them...when you say you're sorry, you don't just mean you're sorry for what you've done, you're promising to not do it again.  You won't always succeed, but that needs to be the goal.  And that goal is mine.

I must say, it has changed the way I talk to my kids when I'm angry.  I still get angry.  My voice still changes, but my goal has as well.  I'm trying to drive a point, a lesson home, but I'm also trying to preserve our relationship... and their trust. 

I'm reminded of something I read recently on one of my favorite blogs..."Rules without relationship equals rebellion."

It's not just rebellion I'm worried about, though.  I'm worried about the relationship.  And relationships need at their center love and forgiveness.  Can you imagine God coming down here and yelling at us every time we disobey or make a mistake?

I'm not counting on my kids coming to me to ask for forgiveness every time they do something wrong, but what an example we have to follow.  Not all of us had good parenting to model after but we all have access to the Best Parent out there.  Let's keep His example foremost in our minds and hearts, get over ourselves and our own selfishness and give our kids the kind of instruction they deserve- instruction without fear and humiliation.

This makes me think of that child Mr. Card was yelling at that day.  If the little reprimanding that I received impacted me this much, I wonder how/if the other child dealt with getting yelled at repeatedly....


*name has been changed Pin It

A Lesson to Learn...From Our Mistake

Yesterday, Sarah over at Clover Lane, posted about a close call she had with her son.  Good parents make mistakes.  Mistakes that can endanger their kids' lives.  I think we need to share with each other our close calls.  Not so others can point fingers and show us where we went wrong.  We KNOW where we went wrong and it makes us shudder and loathe (hopefully only temporarily) ourselves because of it.  Sarah was brave enough to share her story, so I will share mine.

It was a cool day last summer.  Miriam was a newborn.  Jamey had the summer off from school and decided to stay home with us instead of taking a job.  Sam (6 1/2) and Sadie (3 1/2) were outside playing.  I was keeping watch from the kitchen and laundry windows as I started some wash and did some dishes.  The play set is just out of sight from these windows, but is fenced-in from behind.  The kids had been playing there.  I had seen them.  I knew that for them to leave this area, they would have to walk across the yard into my direct view from the windows where I was keeping watch.

I decided to get a visual on the kids, but there was no doubt in my mind that they were both under the playset in the sandbox where I saw them last.  I walked outside and only saw Sam in the sand box.  I asked him where Sadie was and he didn't know.  I started calling for her and there was no answer.  I sent Sam to check their fort and as he sauntered in it's direction, I yelled at him to run.  I checked in Jamey's shop, in the chicken house and kept calling.  No Sadie.  I ran inside and yelled upstairs to Jamey (who was laying Miriam down for a nap) that I couldn't find Sadie.  He came outside and ran through the barns and around the perimeter of our 1.5 acres.  No Sadie.

I ran over to our closet neighbors.  I banged on their back door only to startle our sweet neighbor lady who was sitting close by.  I asked if she had seen Sadie.  She had not.  Her husband came into the room and I could hear him asking what was going on as I turned and left to go to the next neighbor's house.  After I left, those neighbors came out and started looking, the husband, going down to the road, walking along it, looking.  No Sadie.

The next neighbor was home as well and I asked her if she had seen Sadie.  She hadn't and as I turned back to my house, she checked her pool which I could not do.  No Sadie.

Our kids do not run off.  Never before had Sadie gone where she shouldn't have been.  I could not imagine her walking off our property and just wandering somewhere.  This left only one possibility in my mind.

Someone had walked onto our property and taken her.

This made me sick.  I kept thinking about how everyone thinks these things won't happen to them, but of course they can.  I thought it was happening to us.  I wondered where my Sadie girl was, if she was really with someone else just then- a stranger....

At this point I was headed back over to our house.  I saw Jamey emerge from the barns where he had been re-checking.  His arms were up in the air to show he didn't find her.  Then I saw our van sitting in the driveway.  Sam was near it as I was still coming from the neighbor's yard.  I yelled at him to check the van.  He tried to open a door, but it was locked.  It was locked.  This meant she was in the van.

Jamey ran in and got the keys, unlocked the van and opened the side door.  It was hot in the van even though it was a cooler than normal day.  Sadie had gotten into the unlocked van, crawled into her seat, and buckled herself in (which she had just recently learned how to do).  She didn't learn how to un-buckle herself, though.  If she had wanted to get out of her seat, she wouldn't have been able to.  The windows were closed, so we may not have heard her.

She was sitting there, looking at a book.  She was sweaty and sleepy.  The heat had already started to take it's toll on her in the matter of minutes that she was in there.  Jamey got the sluggish Sadie out of the van and took her inside for a drink.  I collapsed into the arms of my neighbor ladies, finally allowing the tears to come.

I had heard of stories about parents who left their kids and babies in their car while they ran into the store, causing their child to die from heat exhaustion.  I would NEVER do that.  But, what did I do?  I left the van doors unlocked on a summer day and allowed my child to climb in causing her to show the early signs of heat exhaustion.  I know what we did wasn't intentional, but we often give our children consequences for hurting someone because they weren't being careful enough (even if it wasn't intentional).  We have to be careful for the sake of each other.

Once we were all inside, we told Sadie that we weren't angry with her, but that she may not play in the van because it can make her very hot and very sick.  She sensed our emotion and was comforting us, giving us hugs and kisses as we sat on the bench in the kitchen, Jamey and I trying to collect ourselves with her between us.

For the rest of the summer, the van was kept locked.  If you don't keep your outside vehicles locked, please do.

I believe Sadie is old enough to know better this summer, but that won't stop us from keeping things locked up.  It's a small inconvenience compared to what could happen.  And we all need to be reminded that even us, even good, involved and alert parents can make mistakes.  Scary mistakes.  The kind that make you run through all the "what ifs" in your mind.  I let myself go there last summer, but I can't today.

I can't imagine this past year without Sadie.

Lesson learned.  Please learn it from me instead of on your own and spread the word.  Thank God for close calls- they are so much better than tragedies. Pin It

How We Parent Using Habits

When it comes to parenting, we tend toward the old-fashioned.  We have high expectations of our kids.  We expect them to be kind, respectful, honest, obedient and generous.  At the same time, we expect them to act like children.  If they didn't, we'd be worried.  What has been challenging for us is to set those high (yet reasonable) expectations for our children without causing them to feel like failures when they mess up.  Because they will (and do) mess up.  A lot.

When I think about parenting, I think about how I'm parented by God.  He has expectations of me.  I need to do my best to live up to them.  I know I'm going to screw up.  I know He's going to forgive me.  Completely.  I can either feel like a failure when I mess up, or I can acknowledge that me screwing up is sin (defined most often in the Bible as independence- going our own way versus God's way) and try to change that behavior and distance myself from that sin.  When I put a name to my screw-uppy-ness (sin), it makes me feel less like a failure and I'm more apt to pick myself up and try to live up to those expectations afresh.

Back to parenting our kids.  As a way of helping them put a little distance between their behaviors and themselves, so they don't feel failure so acutely, we talk a lot about habits.

Back a few months ago, Sam, who in general is a very sweet, smart and delightful boy, began lying.  A lot.   He would lie about if he finished a chore.  He would lie about whether he hit Sadie.  He would lie about whether he was the one who made the mess.  He would lie to get Sadie in trouble (I have no tolerance for this kind of lie).  It is not uncommon for kids to go through phases like this, but for Sam, it became a knee-jerk reaction.  We'd ask him a question and he'd lie without pausing to think.

Here's how our conversation went..."Sam, I've been noticing that you've developed a habit of lying.  A habit is something we do without really thinking about what we're doing.  We just do it automatically.  I think that when we ask you a question, you lie without thinking about what your answer will be and we'd like to help you break or stop this habit.  Would you like me to help you break this habit?  From now on, when I think you are lying, I'm going to remind you that lying is a bad habit and ask you to tell the truth.  Soon, telling the truth will become your new, good habit.  You can help by being honest and trying hard to stop the bad habit of lying."

Sam was agreeable and over the course of the next few weeks, we broke his lying habit.  At first, he continued to lie.  When I suspected a lie, I'd remind him gently (this is key!) that I want to help him break the habit.  He would more often than not fess up.  He would still receive a consequence if he had really done something wrong (that he was lying to get out of), but I would praise him for telling the truth.  Before long, telling the truth (even when it meant he'd get in trouble) became the norm.  By putting the focus on the habit and not on Sam himself, I think it was easier for him to bounce back each time and try again.  He formed a new habit.  Now, we're not talking about avoiding responsibility here.  Sam knows he's responsible for his habits.  As we are of our own habits.  Kind of scary, no?

This is just one example, but this technique can be used for many different bad habits.  Often, if Sam and Sadie are both working on habits that need changing, I'll add in one for myself, like not raising my voice.  I ask them to help remind me and we all work on changing our habits together.

Charlotte Mason was a big proponent of focusing on habits.  Two of my favorite quotes of hers are...

Thoughts produce action.

Actions produce habits.

Habits produce character.

and

The habits of the child are, as it were, so many little hammers beating out by slow degrees the character of a man.

Simply Charlotte Mason, an excellent website (based on the teachings of Charlotte Mason), has put out a book called, Laying Down the Rails: A Charlotte Mason Habits Handbook.  You can read about this book here.  I own the book and do refer to it now and again for guidance, but you do not need a book to work with your children on their habits. 

Update 4/22/10:  Another reference tool is this FREE downloadable e-book called Smooth and Easy Days by Sonya Shafer.  You can read about it and download it here.

Using the example above, you can jump right in today.  I'm not promising it will work for all parenting dilemmas, but we find it an easy, gentle way to begin.  When it comes to parenting, we need all the little helps we can get.

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