Please say you kind of get what I'm saying.
Well, I think I can say that overall, I do a pretty good job living out my beliefs. But, every once in awhile, something or someone comes along and knocks me up side the head (metaphorically) and I realize how my beliefs and actions are going in opposite directions instead of aligning they way they ought.
This time, it was Angela Thomas who pointed out this obvious dis-align I have going on. Our Women's Bible Study Group is working through her DVD series/workbook called "Do You Think I'm Beautiful?" And, while I wasn't sure I'd have too much to relate to at first (outward beauty is only a minimal distraction of mine- particularly, it's my squishy parts that distract me), Angela started pointing her sweet little Southern finger at my insides the other night.
We all have heard about how there is this special spot or void in each of us that can only be filled by God. Only He can love us in such a way that fills this void. Only He has the capacity to keep pouring out enough love into us to keep this void filled. Maybe you've heard some people say that there is a "God-shaped hole" in each of us. However you look at it, I think we can all relate. There is just a certain peace and wholeness that comes from drawing close to God and allowing Him to love us.
This is what I know. In my head and even in my heart. Here comes my disconnect.
There have been times over the years when I've felt empty. I may not have been able to put it into those words, but I felt empty. It was of my own doing. I wasn't spending time with God, wasn't drawing from His love, forgiveness and encouragement. But, who did I blame? Not myself. Not God. Instead I blamed my husband, the one person who does the best job of loving and caring for me.
I would think along these lines..."I don't feel special...I wish someone would tell me I'm special...If only he'd tell me what a good job I do around the house and with the kids more often, then I'd feel appreciated...If only he'd anticipate my needs before I put them into words (a.k.a. read my mind)...but who wants to have someone do something special for them because they've been told to do so?...If only he'd this...If only he wouldn't that..." These thoughts led to words that lead to tears and then even to frustration at times...all directed at someone who didn't deserve my rant in the first place.
As Angela so aptly put it, our husbands are mortal men. They are not equipped to fill us in every way. They have their own voids to fill and they are here to "give us a sweet taste of God's love" and live this life with us, but we cannot hold them responsible for what only God can do.
It's NOT their job. It is our husband's jobs to care for us and love us well on the human level and I am blessed because mine does just that (and more), but I cannot expect him to fill a void that God specifically created in me to be filled by Him. Even if our husbands, our kids, our jobs, our lives were all picture perfect, we would still experience this emptiness. It's not about them. It's about us and our relationship with God.
Some of us may expect others to fill our void- maybe a close girlfriend, our family, or even our children. It's not their job either. Food won't do it. TV won't. The internet and blogs won't do it. Neither will Facebook.
When I got home from Bible study that night, I did what Angela suggested. I let my spouse off the hook. I apologized and he graciously forgave me. He was a bit surprised...in a good way. I think he now particularly likes this Bible study:-). It was the right thing to do, because even my heart knew on some level that I was not only asking the wrong person, but I was potentially wounding our relationship and I never ever want to do that. It's been a relief and new found freedom for me. I know now (on every level) that I need God and it's my job to go to Him to be filled.
Please seek God first. Take the time out of your busy day to be filled by Him. Stop looking to people and kids and stuff and distractions to fill you up. It's a waste of time because it won't work. And we know it.
"Long before he laid down the earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love...(What pleasure he took in planning this!)"
Ephesians 1:4-5, The Message (italics mine)Pin It